William Hates Parrots
by Alfred's Elevator
Summary: William's past is revealed in this crazy story. Once ruler of all parrots, William is kidnapped by his former subjects who intend him to marry the Blue Lobster Queen to unite the two kingdoms. When Lizzy also gets taken it's up to Ronald, Grell, Undertaker, Ciel, Sebastian, Soma, and Agni to save the two of them before it's too late.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note. Hey guys, this is the first fanfiction I've ever helped write ever so I finally wanna put it up. Half of the credit goes to my dear friend Englishfooddoesn'tsuck and you should check out her stuff if you like this, we only collaborate on a few things but we have the same general hardwired-for-randomness brains. We can be serious but choose not to be a lot of the time. Sooo, yeah. I present to you guys the bizarre story of Will's origin: William Hates Parrots.

Prelude

Once upon a time, there was a young boy named William T. Spears. William had awful vision, he would run into everything and oftentimes fall over. At age 6 he was abandoned by his parents, only to be found by the Parrot King and Parrot Queen, who adopted him, for they were unable to have an egg of their own. 4 years later William's beloved parrot parents were tragically killed in a mining explosion while on a miner-hunting party(for it is a common pastime for parrot royalty to hunt human miners). The explosion was rumored to be caused by a black-clad figure wearing glasses. William vowed to get revenge...

Chapter 1: A Company of Parrots

One bright afternoon in the heart of London, two shinigamis, William T. Spears and Ronald Knox, were sent on an important mission to retrieve the soul of Alois Trancy. Unfortunately, demon Sebastian Michaelis ended up fighting with the two shinigamis. The fight ended when Sebastian knocked Williams glasses off using a butter knife, then left to find his master, Ciel Phantomhive. William let out a startled cry as the as the air was filled of the distant squawks of a group of parrots. Groping on the ground for his glasses, he yelled at Ronald. " Help me! They're getting closer! Hurry!" But Ronald only stared, transfixed, as the company of parrots dove down upon the two of them. William frantically fought the parrots, stabbing and snipping with his death scythe, all the while calling for Ronald to help. Regaining his wits, Ronald lept at the swarming mass of parrots. When he got close a bunch of parrots broke away from the main group. They then flew at him and, sinking their talons and beaks into the flesh of his left arm, tore and pecked at him. Ronald let out a startled cry as he tried to pull the mad creatures off of him. Finally, with a triumphant squawk, one of the parrots bit the last string of skin holding the arm on. Still carrying the arm he flew away to be joined by three others. The four carried the arm away into the sky. As Ronald clutched at the bleeding stump, he watched as William was carried away by the rest of the company, only to be accidentally dropped higher up. The parrots quickly swooped down, retrieved him, and carried him off into the sky. Ronald, leaning heavily on his lawn mower, staggered to the opening of the ally and collapsed.

"Oh Will! Will my dear, where are you? I've been searching for hours. I'm so tired I could just curl up and die right here...Will?" This is what Grell Sutcliff called into the slowly darkening town. I've been all around town, he thought, what could my dear Will be up too? He was sent out on this mission hours ago! Is he avoiding me? "Oh! Playing hide-and-seek are we Will darling? Look out, I will find you. I'm Deathly serious. Oh, here I come my beloved ice king!" he called to the empty streets. After searching for awhile he came upon Ronald, barely clinging to consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Williams secret

"Eh? Oh it's you. You were sent out with Will, where is he? UG! STOP THAT YOU DAMN BRAT! YOU'LL STAIN MY CLOTHES! I need to look good around Will you know." said Grell, for Ronald had tried to support himself on Grell, splattering blood everywhere in the process. Staggering back, he fell onto his death scythe, which he then proceeded to use as a crutch.

"William was taken by a bunch of parrots," he gasped and then cringed, "They also took my arm. Senpai, what should we d-"

"Parrots? Did you say parrots? As in those gorgeous, red, tropical birds?" Ronald nodded.

"There were blue and green ones too." added Ronald

"A bunch of bloody parrots birds took my Will? How rude! And Will could have at least left us an emergency back-up plan or something." Grell pouted.

"I knew this day would come. Heeeeeello, you two look like you need some assistance." A voice called. " I could help you out." The figure stepped around the corner into view. "Heh heh heh, you'll need information if you're gonna get William back won't you? And something to stop the bleedin'." He gestured to Ronald's arm. "Why don't you come to me shop? It's just round' the corner here." he called

"And who are you?" Grell demanded

"Why I'm the Undertaker of course. Now won't you two come on? I have me customers to attend to after all. He he he." he grinned and walked away.

Later in the dimly-lit shop. "Here you go," the Undertaker said as he passed around beakers of tea. "Now then, to business. William was abducted by parrots, I knew this day would come. Has very odd roots that one, heh heh. Now, would you like to know what I do about him?" he asked

"Please," said Ronald, whose stump had been duct-taped on the end.

"Very well, It all began back when I was still a shinigami..."

"It was late afternoon in London, I had already collected the required souls that day and was just procrastinating my return to headquarters. The wind was blowing and leaves were falling to the ground all around me. I had just decided to return to the main building, when a kid ran out of nowhere and bumped into me. I studied his face as he blinked off the impact and muttered "excuse me.," with his head down. He looked about twelve, but his most noticeable features were his eyes, a vivid yellow-green. The eyes of a reaper. I could sense it as well, this child was not meant to be roaming the streets alone and glassesless, he was destined to be a shinigami. "What's your name?" I asked him. It took a second for his reply.

"William T. Spears," he finally said.

"Alright William," I encouraged. "Why don't you come with me? We can get some lunch and talk for awhile."

"Alright," he said apprehensively

We got food at a local hot dog cart. "So where do you come from?" I asked once we had finished.

"Well, I was abandoned by my parents when I was just six years old." He replied "I wandered around hopelessly for days. Finally I just gave up. Unsure of where to go, I slept underneath a giant tree. The next morning I woke up surrounded by a ton of parrots. The leaders, the King and Queen of Parrots and also two of the few parrots with enough human interaction to speak fluent english and squawkla, asked me my name. They also asked if I had a home. When I said I didn't they held a brief squawkla conversation. They then asked me if I wanted to go with them and become their chick. I agreed. I lived happily for years after that. Then, just four years later, they were away on a miner-hunting party and got caught in a mine explosion. Their deaths were no accident either, someone rigged the dynamite to explode while they were inside. For a year and a half I ruled as Parrot King. Then just six months ago I left to get revenge on my parent's murderer. Plus, I was also tired of falling out of that tree, I have awful vision. That's why I ran into you earlier, sorry about that. But I vow to get revenge, no matter what it takes." He finished dramatically. I considered this for awhile, then I pulled out one of those irritating flyers I always seemed to have on me-"

"Oh I hate those things! They're so cheesy and stupid! Ug, they make you want to puke, ya know?" Ronald interjected.

"Yes quite cheesy. Anyways, a few weeks later I heard one of my superiors talking about a W. T. Spears doing quite well in the booster program. Eventually he passed his exam and is still a shinigami to this day." The Undertaker finished.

"So we need to find this "giant tree" in order to find William?" Ronald asked.

"Sounds like it, hee hee. Won't you let me join you? I am quite curious as to how this will all play out."

"As long as you don't slow us down," Grell said "We'll need backup though," he grinned, "and I happen have Bassy's number right here!" he said, flourishing a piece of paper.

"Oh great," Ronald groaned "We need to get that darn butler involved."

"I hate this! Why would someone kill my parents? I hate being Parrot King, I keep walking into everything and falling out of Hometree. I should leave, I'm not getting any closer to achieving my revenge sitting here taking care of the petty needs of these parrots! Plus I don't want to marry the Blue Lobster Queen, he sounds perverted...Yes! I will leave tonight! I may only be eleven-and-a-half, but that doesn't mean I can't carry out my revenge alone."

"That night I left the parrot hometree and set off into the darkness. For six months I have discovered all I could about the mysterious circumstances of my parent's murder. It is rumored that a tall man in a black trench coat and glasses set the dynamite and disappeared before it exploded." I ran down my favorite street in London. Some kids were yelling at me, so I took off, avoiding obstacles as best I could. All of a sudden I ran into something hard. I stumbled backwards and squinted at the object. It was a man! "excuse me," I muttered, dropping my head. I did this to try and keep a low profile, if I look like I meant to run into him he might yell at or strike me, if I look sorry and innocent he might just walk away. But instead of walking away, he asked me my name. After that he bought me lunch. He wanted to know about me so I answered his questions. After we finished eating he gave me a flyer. I squinted down at it, trying to read it, but it was hopeless. I looked up to tell him, but he was gone. Just then a little girl came up to me and tugged on my sleeve. She sounded like she was about two.

"lookie! I has a magniffing gwass! It makes stuffs wook biggah." she exclaimed.

"Give me that!" I yelled at her, swiping it from her hand and shoving her over for good measure. I looked at the flyer:

Do you hate demons?

Do you enjoy overtime?

Do you require glasses?

Do you have yellow-green eyes?

Do you like wearing suits?

Will you randomly burst into song or make other annoying noises?

Are you overweight?

Are you attractive?

Do you like gardening or gardening tools?

If you answered: yes, no, yes, yes, yes, no, no, yes, and yes then you can become a SHINIGAMI! YAAAAAAAAY FOR YOU!

Just speak to the manager for details. If you are having trouble contacting the manager, just kill a human and immediately start saying "I love pickled muffins" over and over until someone approaches you and says "Olives are friends not food." Then ask them if you can speak to the manager.

SEE YOU THERE!

I considered this and decided to try it. I looked at the magnifying glass. "Your name is Harold," I told it, " you can be my girlfriend."

The next day I found Harold a little suit. I dressed her up and put a little bow on top of her head. Then I set off to find a human to kill. I walked down the same street that I did yesterday. The little girl that had approached me yesterday came up to me again.

"Yous meanie!' she shouted...That's when I stabbed her with a parasol I had found on the ground earlier.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: A fruity phone call.

It was a peaceful evening at the Phantomhive Estate. Ciel was in his study, eating passion fruit, while Agni and Prince Soma played War quietly in the corner. Suddenly the phone rang. Ciel picked up a banana and held it to his ear. Sebastian answered the phone. "Hello, this is the Phantomhive household." He said to the receiver.

"Hello Bassy, this is Grell. I'm calling because we need your help with something. I would just love to go on another little adventure with you my sweet Sebas-chan."

"Bocchan, It's Mr. Grell Sutcliff. He wants help with something," he said to Ciel, "Hello Mr. Grell," he spoke into the phone.

"What kind of assistance do you need?" Ciel asked into the banana.

"What kind of help?" Sebastian asked the phone.

"William has been abducted by parrots, we need help retrieving him," said Ronald, who had taken the phone from Grell.

"It appears they need help retrieving William T. Spears from a colony of parrots." Sebastian relayed to Ciel.

"Why should I help you?" Ciel questioned the banana

"Why should we lend you our assistance?" relayed sebastian.

Grell had recovered the phone, "Well Bassy, they took that annoying blonde squeally girl that's supposed to marry that brat."

"It appears the parrots took Lady Elizabeth as well,"explained sebastian.

"Very well, we will help you." sighed Ciel.

"Alright, the young master has agreed to aid you." said a resigned Sebastian.

"Thank you very much" said Ronald who had to talk over Grell's shouting.

"Give me back the phone you brat! I want to talk to my Bassy!" demanded Grell

"Can you meet us in the Perron Forest in three hours?"asked Ronald.

"They want to meet in Perron Forest in three hours." announced Sebastian.

"Very well, I will discuss it with you further when we arrive." Ciel finished, then slammed the fruit down on the desk, splattering everything with banana.

"Alright, we will see you there." agreed Sebastian.

"Thanks again, see you." responded Ronald.

"See you there my darling Seba-" The phone then disconnected with a small click.

"Sebastian, clean this up. Also, I'm tired. Bring me something to perk me up. It must last all day. Then prepare the traveling basket" said Ciel, licking his fingers.

"Yes, my lord." Sebastian cleaned the banana up, bowed, and left the room.

"Ciel, your fiancee has been taken? I demand you allow us to aid you in her rescue!" Prince Soma demanded

"That's not necessary." Ciel countered "We have the situation under control."

"But Ciel, as your friends we feel the need to aid you in any goal you may have." Agni reasoned.

Sighing Ciel agreed. "Fine, but only so you don't destroy my mansion while unsupervised." Just then Sebastian returned carrying a bucket. He also had a large basket on his back filled with pears, peaches, plums, apples, pineapples, pomelo, star fruit, mangosteens, and the like.

"Here Bocchan," he said, setting the bucket on the desk, "Drink all of this. It will make you feel energized."

"Very well Sebastian," Ciel took a sip, "Mmmm, what is this?" He asked Sebastian. "its very good."

"It's called "espresso" My Lord. You find is satisfactory?"

"Very," he said, then addressed Soma and Agni as well, "Leave me, I need to plan." As they walked down the hall Agni approached Sebastian

"Are you sure that was wise Sebastian? I have heard of this "espresso." It is said to give you lots of physical energy, so much that it overrides the brain sometimes. And such a large quantity to such a small child..."

"I was unaware that it could cause such dramatic effects. But seeing as we were sent out and all, there's nothing we can do. Now, if you two want to finish your game, please do so in the recreation room. I have chores I must attend to." With that he walked away. _Was it wise to give him a full gallon?_ He wondered.

An hour later Sebastian was just finishing his daily chores when a frantic ringing interrupted the peaceful silence in the manor. _He calls me...Why is he ringing it so much? _Sebastian wondered, for the bell hadn't stopped. He went to the door of the study, knocked, then entered. "Young mas-" Sebastian stopped mid-sentence, for Ciel had flung his arms around him the moment he had entered, then immediately sprung backwards.

"Heeeey-eeeeey Butler-Dude! We gonna go help the pointy-toothed dude get his boring friend back now? And what is wrong with his teeth? They're all pointy, like a shark's." Ciel had said this all very fast while making biting noises. Sebastian looked around the room. Ink had been spilled over the floor, chair, and desk, which had been shifted over about three feet. The bucket that had held the expresso had been thrown against the wall and lay forgotten on the ground, and inky shoeprints all over the floor made it look as if the young master had been dancing around.

"Bocchan...Yes we are leaving to help Mr. Grell soon. But...what have you been doing in here? You've made a huge mess, It's unlike you." Just then Ciel pulled a rotten peach out of his pocket.

"Don't make me throw this at you, cause' I will!" he threatened, still talking very fast "let's just leave already! Grab Anga and Sogna and let's split like a banana!"

"Yes, my lo-"

"And grab my fruit basket! NOW, BUTLER-DUDE!"

"Yes, my lord."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Reunion

"In the middle of the Perron Forest, a huge tree stands over 800 feet tall. The parrot home tree. A huge society of parrots, 1,463 in fact, reside there. It contains many nests as wide as a human house and a giant one used as the main castle. A structure of overhanging branches acts as a ceiling and walls, while there are also many smaller nests branching off from it that form the kitchen, restrooms, guest bedrooms and the swimming pool. This is where the captives are being held. Tonight the parrots are hosting a celebratory feast to honor the marriage tomorrow of the parrot king and blue lobster queen" Sebastian explained to Grell, Ronald, Ciel, Undertaker, Soma and Agni, who were on a branch above the main nest.

"That's great Seba-se-Butler-dude, OK! Now go see what you can find out about 4-eyes and mousie," Ciel jabbered

"Yes my lord," Sebastian said, dropping from the branch

"Alright homies, here's the dealio." Ciel announced "you, you, you, Butler-face and I" he pointed to Soma, Agni, and Undertaker, " Will dress as birds and infiltrate the nest. Then we will find this "blue lobster queen" and replace her with Undertaker. Then hide her somewhere. We will return to the feast. We cause a disturbance, a really groovy one. Meanwhile sharky and Rick Allen here-"

"My name is Ronald."

"-whatever, will stay here and wait 'till you hear Butler-person singing "Hot cross buns" then you come in, undertaker will grab 4-eyes and we all do a bunk." Ciel finished.

"Alright! Sounds like a plan." Ronald said

"Whoa, you're dressed as chickens? Tubular dudes!" Ciel called as Soma and Agni approached after dressing.  
"Hee hee, so we have a raven, a phoenix, a pigeon and two chickens? Lovely. This promises to be entertaining indeed." The Undertaker chortled.

"Alright people, let's GO GO GO!" Ciel commanded already starting a charge

"Bocchan!" Sebastian called exasperated and ran after him dressed in a black feathered headdress with a beak and eyes attached with fake wings on his back. The rest followed in similar pigeon and chicken costumes.

As the group made its way to the large opening in the overhanging branches that acted as a door, two parrots flew in front of them. The first started squawking. When the parrots noticed the group's stunned looks the second one started speaking

"Forgive us, do you speak human?"

"Yes indeed" Undertaker answered

"Welcome to the feast!" the second parrot said warmly "It will take a little while to prepare the main feast, so please make yourselves comfortable while we finish it. My name is Sunshine Paclibar, tell me if you need anything."

"You are still cooking? Mah butler will help you!" Ciel said excitedly, jumping piggy-back onto Sebastian "Go make the food-stuffs...um...Bassy!" he yelled and jumped down "no matter how odd it is!" he said rapidly.

"Yes, my lord" Sebastian said, bowing

"This way Mr. Butler!" Sunshine said excitedly "Our kitchen is this way!"

On the way to the kitchen Sunshine explained the situation. Human was a standard celebratory food, and they were only able to find a small one on such short notice. Even still, they were having a hard time getting it in the microwave.

"Could you help us get it in?" Sunshine asked

"Of course," Sebastian replied "My young lord ordered me to help." with that they entered the kitchen. Around the circular nest there were pots, pans, forks, knives, spoons, counters, a 3 ½ by 2 ½ ft. microwave, and baskets upon baskets of fruits and nuts. On the floor was Lady Elizabeth, bound and crying.

"Sebastian!" she sobbed "Help me! These mean birds keep trying to shove me in a microwave! I won't look cute burnt to a crisp!"

"And why would I help you my lady?" Sebastian smiled slyly "I was ordered to help cook the food, not save it. My master's orders are absolute"

"Oh you wouldn't!" Lizzy wailed "Paula! Ciel! Anyone help me!"

Sebastian approached and lifted her from the floor. He carried her towards the microwave.  
"Now really my lady," he sighed as he started to fold her arms and legs "You're just making it worse on yourself, at least retain some of what little dignity you possess" His eyes glowed red and he smiled malevolently " Now in you go" he said softly as he pushed her in and closed the door. Then stepped back to let the parrots put in the cooking time.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The parrot Bride

"Finally! The day is here! After all those years of dawdling about with petty women waiting for him, I finally get to marry! The King of Parrots, or so I'm told, Is the most beautiful man alive! Oh, I'm so excited, me Aleister Chambers, Viscount of Druitt, no, Queen of Blue Lobsters marrying the King of Parrots to finally unite our kingdoms! Simply marvelous!" The Viscount was dressed in a costume, A blue hood with fake feelers on top, a full body dress with an extra pair of legs, and a large tail attached. On his hands he had large fake claws. "I can't wait for the feast, the food is certain to be spectacular!" Just then Soma, Agni, Ciel, and the Undertaker entered the room "ALright guys, let's do this thing. You there, lobster-man, you are gonna change clothes with our pigeon here," Ciel demanded Undertaker stepped forward grinning while the others left the room.

A few minutes later they returned to find Undertaker in the blue lobster costume, and the Viscount Druitt on the floor, bound and gagged.

"Nice and tight, like a banana" Ciel observed "Hurry, hide him somewhere, I wanna get some grub!" His companions complied. Then he said to the Undertaker "You stay here and act like the queen."

"Will do, I will play my part most convincingly my little lord"

"Good, when the reapers come in, grab 4-eyes and split. Capish?"

"Yes of course. What a funny man, hee hee, look at him squirm." he gestured to the Viscount.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Feast

"Awesome! This is great!" Ciel proclaimed, eating a peach. The group had met up with Sebastian and was now waiting in the dining room. As more and more guests arrived Ciel noticed Paula, Lizzy's maid, dressed in a dodo outfit and sitting at the table. The hall was filled with the excited squawking of all the parrots. Finally four parrots entered, carrying between them an arm. Wedging it in some branches above the head of the table so that it looked as if it were meant to hold a bowl of some sort, they were followed by six more, carrying a human head between them, and placing it in the cupped hand. "What groovy decorations! Ciel smiled. Then the parrots started making lots of noise. Squawking and whistling as William emerged from a door on the right. He was wearing a parrot suit and looked thoroughly embarrassed. When he reached the head of the table he stopped. Then the Undertaker emerged from the right, wearing a giant rubber viscount mask, and went to join him. They sat down together and Sunshine announced

"Let the feast begin!" From the main entrance about forty parrots entered the room laden with trays of meat and baskets of fruits. They placed the food on the table and left. All at once the room came alive as the hundred parrots who had been invited, dug in.

"Mmmm," Ciel said sampling some of the meat, "Did anyone else notice the trophy, the head, looks a lot like Lizzy's"

"It is Lady Elizabeth, master, and that is her flesh your eating," Sebastian said carefully

"They cooked my fiancèe? Well, I guess I'd better get a new one then!" Ciel said cheerfully, taking a huge bite.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: The Diversion

They finished the meal and started on dessert. Halfway through Ciel spoke to Sebastian

"Ok butler-dude, here's the plan light me on fire," he said "then sing "hot cross buns" really loudly.

"Yes bocchan" Sebastian said, grabbing a candle from the table. He held the flame to Ciel's phoenix costume and started singing as it flared up.

"Dance too, or you're fired!" Ciel yelled as he pulled out pineapples and started throwing the flaming fruits at guests. Sebastian complied. Suddenly the Viscount came in holding the rope he had been bound with. Stopping short and dropping the rope as he absorbed the scene, he suddenly shouted

"My flaming angel!" He called, throwing his arms out wide. "It is destiny that we meet, my flaming phoeni-" his sentence was cut short dodging the pineapple that narrowly missed his head. Just then the room was filled with a buzzing noise and the viscount looked up just in time to avoid the heavy branch that was crashing down, cut by Grell's chainsaw. Ronald and Grell leaped into the room.

"Alright! My arm!" Ronald yelled, then jumped across the room to retrieve it, letting Elizabeth's head drop to the floor. As the parrots swarmed around him He swung the arm in a wide ark, battering them away. "I gotta hand it to you parrots. At first I thought you were 'armless! Ha!

"Time to bail!" Ciel called

"Here" the undertaker scooped up William and ran for the door.

"Come on Bassy!" Grell called behind him as he followed, swiping at parrots with his scythe.

"Bocchan," Sebastian seized Ciel, stumbled, and followed with Soma and Agni close behind.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Success

It was early morning back in London. Walking back to the Undertaker's shop Grell clung to William."Oh Will, I'm so glad you're back!"

"Oh...Grell...hi." William said vaguely, then shook his head "I suppose I should thank you all." he sighed bowing his head "Well," he looked up "I should get back to work now.

"Poppycock! You're coming to the party!" Ciel blathered "Everyone in the rescue party is going. You too!"

"Oh...ok then."William looked to the sky "It sounds better then work anyways."

"Excellent!" Ronald grinned "Boss-man you won't be disappointed."

"Where's my butler?" Ciel piped up suddenly. The Undertaker pointed behind them where Sebastian had found a number of cats.

Later in the Undertaker's shop the party had begun. Everyone had cleared the middle of the shop so a considerable amount of open space was now available. Sebastian had provided fun music on his violin while a cat clung to his head. Grell had pulled William out to the middle of the floor and was spinning him in time with the song. The Undertaker had provided refreshments and everyone was enjoying themselves. Ciel did some breakdancing, many beakers were broken, and everyone got hit in the face with Ronald's arm at least once. Now _that_ was an interesting game...

Hours later everything was in chaos. Apparently Ciel had gotten ahold of more espresso, and Ronald had gotten ahold of alcohol for everyone. After that the music had gotten so bad that Sebastian had been hit on the head with another pineapple (for apparently Ciel had hit him while distracting the parrots and it had left him confused), and Grell had dragged a drunk and disoriented William into the back room to do who-knows-what. The most epic death scythe, silverware, and fruit fight ever had taken place. then when they had gotten back to the shop they played head hockey some more, with one of the corpse's decapitated heads. Later they had put many of the bodies out on the street so they could all sleep in the coffins.

When the Undertaker woke up the next morning he decided to see if William needed help, but found that they had merely fallen asleep together, Grell curled up in William's lap.

"_They look quite cute together" _he thought. When he returned to the main room everyone was just waking up. When the cleanup began everyone begrudgingly helped. Then everyone left, except Ronald and the Undertaker. "Well let's see what we can do about a replacement arm" the Undertaker said "what about this one?" he asked, opening a coffin to reveal a slim woman with a purple dress and nail polish on.

"Hey I remember her!" Ronald exclaimed "I was the one who reaped her, after flirting a little. Yeah that one's arm is fine." answered the young shinigami

"Are you sure? I know after last night the only corpses we have left in the shop are female, but still. You will have this forever."warned the undertaker

"Why not? She's cool with me."

"Alright, just relax while I sterilize a table and some tools. Do you want me to knock you out?" questioned the mortician.

"Naw, just be careful with the duct tape." replied Ronald.

"Heh heh alright, brace yourself." giggled Undertaker.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: More Random Crap

As the rest of the group was leaving, chatting excitedly and enjoying all the flowers(?), they gloated over their victory.

"My pineapples were the best part!" Ciel boasted

"No way, our chicken costumes were" Soma countered.

"Just shut up." William said, fighting a headache. Then he let out a startled cry as the as the air was full of the distant squawks of a group of parrots. " the parrots, are they in my head?"

" oh no those irritating bird just don't know when to give up on my Will." Grell cried

"time to throw more fruit." said Ceil with an excited look on his face

suddenly the remaining parrot army swooped down to reclaim their king. While the group went forward to face the parrots, a smaller group of parrots grabbed William and attempted to make a getaway.  
Soma and Agni raced to the top of a nearby building, hoping to head them off with a giant wooden pepper grinder in tow. As the parrots neared the building Agni spun the handle swiftly, engulfing the parrots in a cloud of pepper.

"EAT BLACK PEPPER!" he yelled There was a thumping noise as th the parrots clipped William's head on the building, going at full speed. the force of the impacted made the parrots drop William head first onto the street four stories down.

"Butler guy hurry go check on four-eyes" exclaimed Ciel. But Grell got there first, scooping the unconscious reaper into his arms and slinging him over his shoulders while the others beat off the parrots that hadn't gotten too badly disoriented by the pepper.

After what seemed like hours the final parrots flew away, and there was much rejoicing. They all went their separate ways. Grell took WIlliam back to the library, Soma and Agni went to a hotel, and Ciel and Sebastian turned toward the mannor. When the master and butler returned to the estate, they had a surprise waiting for them. The Viscount was waiting for them, sitting on the fountain that adorned the courtyard.

"I found you at last!" the Viscount said

"Wait what? You were looking for me?" Ciel demanded

"No, no, not you," the viscount waved him off "Your beautiful butler, I have come here tonight for a very important reason. I realized two nights ago that the King of parrots is not who I want to marry. No, he was forced into it, and had no care for me. So I have come here tonight to ask humbly, will you marry me butler Sebastian Michaelis? I know our love is true, after you were hit with a pineapple at the feast, we locked eyes, desperately clinging to one another. You're vague, confused eyes cleared as they gazed upon me, and my hazy mind was lifted of its fog. Love me, butler, and forever be joined with me. We are destined for this eternal bond. So, I will ask you but once more, do you wish to form a contract of marriage with me?" Sebastian looked vaguely at the Viscount, his eyes not seeming to see. Then they cleared slightly

"Yes, my fiancè." he said smiling.


	10. Chapter 10

hapter 10: Here come the...grooms?

"We are gathered here today,  
In the sight of GOD,  
And in the face of family and friends,

To join together Aleister Chambers AND Sebastian Michaelis

in holy matrimony;

Which is an honorable estate,

Instituted of GOD, since the first  
Man and the first woman

Walked on the earth-" The priest began. William was seated in the third row of the chapel just outside of Preston with Ciel on his right and Grell on his left. As the ceremony continued he looked at Ciel. William had told Ciel his backstory on the way to the church and Ciel had remained silent after that. Slowly he turned towards the child.

"Ciel?" he probed, whispering.

"We are so much alike, same age our parents were murdered, we were both taken captive, escaped, and have vowed revenge. I am tired of being alone and now Sebastian is leaving to live with that pervert. Not to mention he won't give me any more espresso. I have come to realize we were meant to meet. My universe will never be the same without you. I want you to know that." murmured Ciel

"...Yes, I feel the same. Ciel," he sighed "would you like to live with me? I can take care of you, otherwise you will be all alone. I don't want that for you. Will you let me be your father?"

"Yes! Oh, thank you! You can come live at the manor with me, oh I won't be alone anymore."

"No, but you'll need a mother as well," he turned to Grell "Grell Sutcliff, member of the Shinigami Dispatch Society, will you marry me? Become my wife, and this child's mother?"

"Oh Will, you mean it? Really! Oh yes! Of course I will my darling Will."

"Shhh, turn it down just a little," Ciel hushed Grell glared at him but was placated when William put his hand on his shoulder.

"Calm down Grell," he said.

As the wedding came to a close the guests started to leave. Grell was clinging on to William for dear life. Ciel was happily skipping beside them. Sebastian and the Viscount would soon start packing for their honeymoon in the Amazon rainforest at the parrots beach house. It seemed all was going to work out alright. As the couple was carried off by a flock of the parrots the others waved.

"Will," Grell started "that brat, er, kid, has an enormous amount of espresso, shouldn't we stop him?"

"Why? He'll be fine, he is ours after all Mr. Sutcliff." Grell looked up, William was smiling as he pulled his soon-to-be wife closer.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11:

Months later everything had settled down. It was late twilight and Grell was in the garden at the Phantomhive manor looking at the beautiful flowers with William, who seemed unimpressed. The wind was blowing softly and Grell was resting his head on William's shoulder. Suddenly someone pushed himself between them, doing a somersault and popping back up.

"Hi there Will-daddy! How are you? I need help I can't spell "sagacious" and I don't understand the part about the death scythes, what's an aerator, and a garden weasel?"

"Honestly Ciel Spearphantomcliff. You'll never learn to do paperwork on your own, use a dictionary. It is an essential skill of a shinigami to know how to do their own paperwork, I won't be able to help you at the office."

"Yes Will-daddy, ok. But...um..."

"Yes?"

"Grell burnt the dictionary when it fell on her face as she was looking for one of her romance novels, it flamed very big."

"That's wrong Ciel," Will glanced at a sheepish-looking Grell and raised an eyebrow. "You will use correct grammar. Perhaps we should lower your espresso consumption?"

"No no! The fire was very large! Sorry!" Ciel covered quickly

"Good, now go find a dictionary. I have a spare in my desk."

"You got it Will-daddy! I'm gonna learn to do paperwork really well, and become the best shinigami ever! See ya later!" Ciel called running back towards the manor, his now green eyes darting this way and that behind his new thin wire glasses.

"And don't forget to put it back when you're done." William called after the earl. Grell grabbed her husband's hand.

"Oh Will, he is trying."

"Not hard enough. He is a Spearphantomcliff, and needs to know how to do paperwork if he is ever to achieve his goal."

"Oh I suppose so...Ooh look at that one!" Grell pointed to a pristine red mallow flower.

"Mmm, let's go inside, it's getting chilly Grell."

"Ok Will." AS the two turned towards the manor William secretly grabbed the flower, planning on presenting it on the table for dinner.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

"And that's it, the story of how I got my arm." Ronald finished, grinning at his audience, seven girls he had met earlier that day. They were at an outdoor restaurant near a river and the sound of the water was all that could be heard. As the silence became awkward one of the girls pipped up.

"Oh...what an interesting story," she said "come on girls or we'll be late, sorry she said to Ronald.

"Ah, whatever. You need to leave, you need to leave, ya know?" He said airily, waving a hand. He watched as the girls got up and turned to leave. As they started to walk away the last one quickly turned and jerked her head to where she had been sitting, then turned to catch up with her friends. Ronald looked at her seat hopefully and found a note:

Thanks for the great story, we should

get together again sometime. How about here

next Wednesday at 7:00? See you there

Love,

Fidelia

He smiled to himself, _Well done Knoxie. _Standing up, he left the money on the table. Leaving the restaurant he turned towards the library, resigned to a large pile of paperwork he searched for solace. As he turned the corner he sensed something odd, and rolled just in time to avoid the bullet of a parrot that had dived at him. Reaching into his coat, he pulled out the severed arm he had lost months ago. Grinning, he readied himself for the next swoop.

End.

Alternate end

This is a tribute to my cousins who, while I was trying to write, wrote their own ending. Apparently they don't care about sentence fluency when writing on others fan-fics...

"This way Mr. Butler!" Sunshine said excitedly "Our kitchen is this way!" And then Kendrick came and killed all the bad dudes. But then Kendrick was evil so Tess played pattti cake and when Kendrick pretended to eat the cake he turned good.

The end.


End file.
